My-Not-So-Obligatory-Yet-Still-Important-What-I-Learned-In-China List

Okay, so I couldn't let it go completely. In the spirit of my list-making tendencies, here's a broad list of what we learned on our trip to China. Mostly the funny parts. But funny is real life.

1. Dramamine is essential on any trip. No matter where you're going or what you're doing, you'll inevitably want it at some point.
2. If you look especially pitiful to the flight attendant, she'll take extra good care of you.
3. Never make a Chinese man late. Especially if you already nicknamed him Ping Pong.
4. Don't underestimate the power of charades and body language. Eventually they'll get the point across. And put the sales people in good spirits since they'll undoubtedly laugh at you. Shameless.
5. Ever want to feel like a unicorn? Go to a Chinese train station and be the only white person there. Then people will stare at you and exclaim, "Wow, they really do exist." But you won't know they're saying that because they don't speak English.
6. If you're not sure what the shallow metal bowl that is sitting next to your sleeper on the train is for, assume it's a bed pan and treat it accordingly.
7. Always, always, always establish a meeting spot at the train station. Assuming you get off at the right stop.
8. When riding in a car or van in China, just close your eyes if you don't want to elevate your blood pressure.
9. The question still lingers, which is more fun: homemade fun or a Wii?
10. Always write down things that are funny so you can revisit them later. At more appropriate times.
11. Old Navy isn't a nickname, but they will email you more than your parents.
12. Never leave without a substantial amount of toilet paper in your backpack.
13. If you can get really good at holding in your liquids, you can usually wait to find a western toilet and avoid squatty potties altogether.
14. It's possible to not go to the bathroom for 12 hours. (I didn't say it was healthy, just possible.)
15. Always snag the extra toothbrushes from the nice hotel rooms in Beijing.
16. There are no accidents when it comes to toothbrushes. That sucker touches the faucet water and it's game over.
17. Run faster than The Flash through Chinese locker rooms while looking down at the floor or up at the ceiling.
18. There is a real need in this world for designated stroller parking.
19. Chancing explosive diarrhea is worth it for ice in your beverage.
20. And street food.
21. You can never have too many wet wipes handy.
22. Asians really do carry around umbrellas.
23. Don't get overly ambitious when the buffet finally serves sweet and sour chicken. You'll pay for it.
24. Chopsticks make it super hard to sneak food off someone else's plate.
25. The stair stepper at the gym doesn't hold a candle to the Great Wall.
26. Sometimes you just have to leave in the middle of lunch to get sick because the noodles were too spicy. It's okay, another foreigner will understand and watch your kids for you.
27. Noodles can look like tapeworms. Be sure you know the difference before telling a story.
28. A little self-disclosure can make a good story great.
29. Mulan is so much cooler than I ever knew.
30. If you have to ask what kind of meat it is, don't eat it. Or pretend it's chicken.
31. Fried eggplant sure does look a lot like sweet and sour chicken.
32. Fried eggplant and sweet and sour chicken do not taste the same. On any level.
33. Chinese fortune cookies don't actually exist in China. Bummer.
34. Sit close to the grill at Korean BBQ or else you'll get so hungry you'll take a bite of raw onion.
35. Sometimes kids practice their English on you. And they only know animal vocabulary. Just roll with it.
36. ALWAYS ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom before moving on to the next activity.
37. Women are doves. Unless they talk about poop. And then they're pigeons.
38. The smell of urine lingers everywhere. Just don't ask.
39. Sometimes you don't have any time to take care of your own basic needs. So you pee in the pool. Just kidding. Maybe. It was definitely suggested at one point.
40. You have to ease back into dairy. In the words of Phil Dunphy, "Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast." Smooth is totally what we're going for here.