Observations from suburbia...part three

I had a great summer job. Really. It was so perfect for right now. But it had its...moments.

For example...

Wednesday. A lady comes and buys a robe for her daughter. Mom picks out monogramming. Great. Saturday. Daughter comes to pick up robe. She cries. Literal tears streaming down her face. No, it's not the wrong initials. No, it's not a family heirloom that has been ruined. She just hates the font. She thinks it's too "scripty." The font used was almost block. Picks another monogram. Leaves. Tuesday. Daughter returns to store. Picks up robe for the SECOND time. Just looks at it. Manager asks if there's anything wrong. Girl stares some more. Monogram is fine. Manager asks if we need to take it out. Again. Girl quietly says no. Girls Leaves. We take bets on if she went to her car and cried. There are just bigger things in life to worry about, you know?

I can't leave this kind of drama.

But it gets better.

This is the story that will forever go down as the best work moment of all time:

I'm in the back of the store taking inventory. Cake is sitting on the table. Owner is holding a stocking in one hand and juggling something else in the other. Stocking and cake make contact. Icing is on stocking. Owner licks icing off of stocking. I stare. I ask owner, "Did you just lick that stocking?" Owner responds, "Well, I guess I just did." Owner giggles. I stare. No further conversation needed. (Side note: the stocking never made it out to the sales floor.)

Or this one...

Owner is helping customer. Customer finds aromatherapy bottles. Customer wants to smell a different scent. Owner opens a different bottle. Owner spills liquid everywhere. Owner walks in the back and says, "I spilt that stuff all over me, and now I smell like a french whorehouse." More expletives used. Question remains: how does she know what a french whorehouse smells like?

But then again, sometimes my job involves just listening to people.

One day, a lady told me that she needed a gift for a cousin with whom she had just reconnected. Great. That's still a little more than I need to know, but not too intimate. She keeps going. Apparently, said cousin's great grandparents took a covered wagon out to Idaho. This is when I know I'll be keeping on my fake smile for quite some time. Customer continues to tell me about what life was like out west back in those days. Lady, I took years of American History classes AND played Oregon Trail back in the day. I think I have an idea. Plus, YOU WEREN'T THERE. I don't care how much it snowed. Does that affect the huge linen pillowcase you're buying? Didn't think so.... The things we do to make sure customers are happy in the store.

Frequently overheard phrases:

Crap-a-doodle-doo

If it's not one thing, it's your mother

Shut the front door.

Oh, WHOA.

Are you KIDDING me?

I'm having a hot flash.

You're a hot mess.

We got another email from Indonesia...