Back in 8th grade, I took an etiquette class with a bunch of my friends. We addressed the usual: table manners, ballroom dancing, phone etiquette...pretty standard stuff. However, we neglected to bring up the entirely different code for another place: the gym. If you spend enough time in there, you pick up on the rules pretty quickly, especially if you're the subject of nasty, sweaty-browed glares and you can feel the judgement strapping you in like a decent sports bra.
The choice of a machine is a potential hotbed for latent anger by fellow gym-goers. Unless you go to an all-ladies fitness center, the boys bring their similar attitudes about urinals with them to the gym: it's practically a sin to pick a machine right next to someone.
First it's awkward.
Then they think you're trying to one-up them.
So it turns into a race.
First it's who can actually move the fastest.
Then it's all about bumping up resistance/slope.
Then whoever appears to be in the most distress is automatically deducted points.
But whosoever shall abandon his or her machine first is automatically the loser, especially if it was the person who started the whole controversy in the beginning.
So...there's a lot to learn.
Then there's the whole "wipe down the machine with the provided moist towlettes" thing. Watching someone walk up to a machine without first wiping it down is like watching someone leave the bathroom without washing their hands. Utter disgust. Especially if you're on a treadmill or an elliptical, or any other machine that is sweat-inducing. So it's expected that everyone wipe it down before beginning. But then there are people who sweat exorbitant amounts. Like just walking into the gym kicks their sweat glands into overdrive. Hey, I'm one of them. It's cool. But if you're going to sweat all over the place, it's a common courtesy to also wipe down the machine post workout. Look, we don't want to spread swine flu, hepatitis, or the bubonic plague here. Just keep your germy business to yourself and we can all workout peacefully.
And then there's the locker room.
Let's be honest; I spend as little time in there as possible. And when I say that, I really mean I will only enter if I absolutely MUST use the restroom right at that very moment. But it's just an awkward place. Not that I spend an extensive amount of time in men's locker rooms, but I have a feeling the women's locker room atmosphere is like another world entirely. Firstly, it's always clean. There's no water splashed around. And it is every woman's responsibility to keep it that way. You just stare straight ahead at the lockers. You don't even talk. You gather your stuff as quickly as possible. You leave. Personal stuff can be taken care of at home. No need to do it in front of everyone else.
I mean, those are just the basics. You can REALLY get yourself in hot water if you run the wrong direction on the track. Or if you stand too close in line at the water fountain. Or if your stare starts to linger, then turns into full on creeping. Or if you start singing out loud to your music. Or if you yell at the TV. (Exception: During World Cup games, it's okay to yell. Everyone does it.) Or if you try to talk on your cell phone and workout, because, really, who are you kidding? Someone needs to write a book on this. Or offer a class. Let's save some people some embarrassment and help them out.
I find it ironic that it was the Chinese who invented fireworks, yet every 4th of July it's practically un-American to neglect shooting off your own explosives. And I'm not really sure that's what the Founding Fathers had that in mind either. Regardless, we had some fun times with sparklers, roman candles, bottle rockets, and small fireworks in the neighborhood tonight. Oh, and Happy Birthday, America. 234 years may be a lot, but Methuselah is still beating you by 735 years. Good luck with that.
